Running by the Red Bush

beginnings and such

2011-09-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

Well, it's official-I am now a graduate student. I live in Bowling Green, I'm employed by BGSU, I'm busy like crazy, and I'm loving it.

I work in the printmaking department, as the department graduate assistant. Basically I'm in charge of keeping the studio running. I'm also helping give tours on occasion. It is actually lots of fun.

More importantly, though, is that I have a HUGE studio all to myself and I'm taking some really interesting classes. My favorite is one about ritual studies in Renaissance Florence. Of course I'm in love. But it makes me miss home. I'm also having a great time with...paint. I'm just loving being able to paint again and get into it.

Thats all for now!

I miss you all and love you very much xoxoxox

Lets talk: Keats biographies

2011-07-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

I recently finished Andrew Motions bio on Keats. I want to start by saying I think it was a very good, well researched biography. It moved fluidly, and I was able to finish it in a relatively short time thanks to Motions easy to read style.

But, of course, I think there are some draw backs to the bio. I have found now in all of the bios that relate to Keats or the romantics that I've read, I've been faced with only one really major drawback: each author works so hard to prove a point that somewhere along the line, things get, well...annoying.

Motions bio is a great point. He works so hard to stress that Keats was not a mamby-pamby, weak poet sitting alone on a hill, but in fact a robust, political poet, that it got to the point that I just kind of stopped caring. Obviously Keats was interested and influenced by the politics of the time, he hung out out Leigh Hunt for the love of Pete, but Motion got carried away trying to prove that Keats was a political poet. He isn't Shelley (THANK GOD for that!).

There where times where hearing about English politics just became too much for me, and I'm even a bit of a history buff. And more importantly, there were times when Keats was just lost from the text because of this obsessive emphasis on his politics.

In another bio on him, 'Posthumous Keats', the author Stanley Plumly works so hard to prove his point that Keats was a physician poet, that there were times where I felt that I was losing Keats to the ideas about Keats.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of tired of hearing all these ideas about Keats. All of this analysis and speculating and working so hard to prove a scholarly point is, I feel, getting in the way of learning anything about John Keats himself. Why can't biographers just talk about what happened in Keats life and talk about his poetry without having to become all scholarly about it and prove some "new point" about him.

A new biography is coming out in October about Keats and his relationship with his brothers, taking the angle that those relationships defined him more than any others. I'm curious to read it, but I also think that all of this speculation is silly at times. Maybe a non "scholar" should just write a bio on him, so we can read something about him, not about ideas about him.

He lived, he died...now let us just read about him in peace!

2011-06-05T08:38:00.001-07:00

Jesus, Judas, and Lady Gaga Part 1

2011-06-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga’s video for her single “Judas” premiered recently. The video essentially tells the story of Judas’ kiss of Jesus, and follows Gaga and a biker gang comprised of Jesus and the apostles as they dance and drink and wander around seedy bars, parties, and outdoor gatherings (representing, of course, the temple): places that most of America’s youth can been seen hanging around today. Gaga has stated that she is Mary Magdalene, and it is easy to see that within seconds of the video’s beginning sequence: she sits on the back of the Jesus figure’s bike (a beautiful young man, with fantastic cornrows, he is adorned with a golden crown of thorns and a bling-tastic necklace of crosses throughout the video), and throughout the rest of the video she is constantly at this figure’s side, kneeling before him, clutching him, washing his feet, etc.

The video is absolutely gorgeous; it is colorful, lush, textured, and decadent. Gaga frequently brings visual decadence to her videos, and this one did not disappoint. But that is not what is so interesting about the video. What is so interesting is that it tells part of Jesus’ story in detail, and in a way that is completely accessible to today’s youth. It speaks about a biblical story in a culturally relevant way.

One of artists’ most important functions in society is creating the mythology of the time; not only making myths and our collective human spirit understandable and accessible to the masses, but also creating the myths that directly relate to and speak of the time they are living in. Artists create the images of their time, there by helping to create the mythology of the day, and the images that will last into the future. These images will help to illuminate the artists’ time for future generations.

This ‘Judas’ video does just that. It is taking an ancient story: the story of Judas’ betrayal of Jesus through a kiss, and placing it squarely into our time. Gaga has created her own set of images in this video, but also uses images that are quite normal and understandable to the masses. The idea of Jesus and his followers being a gang of bikers is a perfect example of this. Each biker has his worn in, black, leather jacket with his name (John, Paul, Judas) elaborately embroidered on the back of it. Bikers are not an unusual thing in this day; thanks to the rising prices of gas, more and more people are taking to using motorcycles as a primary form of transportation. Even without the economic factors, groups of bikers are a normal sight on an American highway, and there are specific symbols and stigmas associated with them. There is a feeling of edginess associated with bikers: that these groups of people live on the outside of general society. They have their own private society, and live in a way that is not considered normal by the masses. They live their lives by their own rules.

All that could easily have been said of Jesus and his followers. They lived on the outside, living life not according to societal standards, but by God’s standards. Gaga has presented Jesus and the Apostles in a way that we can understand. These people and their story is firmly rooted in the present, and thus we can feel closer to them and their story. Especially considering more and more people are turning to motorcycles to save money in this economy, this imagery is imagery of our time.

The imagery of our time is all throughout the video, from the places they visit to the cheap beer they are drinking. The parties, the bars, these are all places that the youth frequent. The sets have elements of the past, of theatricality: the old church, the electric bar, they all seem to come from the past, but these sets are still rooted in the present. They are generic enough sets that the viewer feels that he has been to a place like that before. It makes the story of Jesus all the more relatable and understandable. Jesus and his followers were young men and women, living on the outside of society, upset with how things were being run, upset with the expectations and practices of society, just like the youth of today. As a youth of today, I feel I can say pretty safely I feel pretty disenfranchised. That’s why going to bars, to parties, to outdoor hang outs, makes sense: that’s all that’s left.

Even the medium, the presentation of this story in music video form, helps to better acquaint it with the people of today than reading a story in the Bible ever could. The youth of today takes in so many small snippets of information on a day-to-day basis, from texts to twitter to facebook statuses to YouTube videos. We don’t like things to be long, we generally need things broken up into small segments so we can take it all in. The music video, as a general medium, is formatted in exactly that way. There are small segments of dancing, close ups, bits of a story, different emotions, etc., all compiled into a neat, 5-minute video that can easily be consumed by today’s viewers.

With all of these different scenes, Gaga can talk to us about a number of things. She can talk about being a girl in love with a boy (scene of her riding on a motorcycle with Jesus, smiling wide). She can talk about despair over losing someone, over betrayal (cue her falling to Jesus’s feet after the kiss). She can talk about youth culture (cue drunk guys at bars, cheap beer). She can talk about so much in this small-snippets format of the music video. She tells a well known story, but because the video focus’ on her, not Jesus, she is able to add her own meaning to it. Here is facebook status of hers recently:

JUDAS is an archetype in our fantasy film: Darkness casted when standing in The Light. Destiny is a siamese force.

She uses all different types of media, all of the millions of things that her fans use on a day to day basis (YouTube, facebook, twitter), to talk about the video, to help explain it’s over-all message. Judas, as much as he is a figure from the bible in the video, is also a metaphor. He is a metaphor for so many things: for a bad boy that she can’t get out of her system (and how many girls can relate to that!); for the dark side of her that she can’t quite seem to get out of her system (all of us angst-y kids know about this!); for the bad that always comes with the good in life (by loving Judas, she is acknowledging him as simply part of God’s plan, as part of the natural flow of life).

She is taking Jesus and Judas and presenting them in a 21^st century way, in a way that her fans can understand and relate to. By doing that, she is bringing the mythology of Christianity into the 21^st century, making the myths of today, while still connecting it to the past and to a story and faith that binds us.

2011-06-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, John Keats and I haven't broken up.

2011-04-27T16:54:00.000-07:00

to keep things from getting all muddled up, I started a photography blog. That way my painting blog doesn't get all confusing.

Check it out! and often, I'm obsessively taking photos these days.

after easter

2011-04-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Joseph Campbell lectures while painting today, and this one struck me as particularly appropriate due to the recent holiday, so I thought I would share.

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy."

thoughts on a windy day

2011-04-26T11:55:00.001-07:00

I have a problem and I’ll admit it: I don’t like staying in the same place for too long. I don’t like settling down. I can settle in to a place easily, get comfortable for a short time. I always have something in my bag, a good book and a sketchbook and some chap stick, that can make a place feel like home. I’m obsessed with bags, I’ve never been a huge shoe girl (though I’m certainly warming up to them), it has always been about the bags…maybe my bags are my real homes. All I know is that I like to move about. Not too fast, not too slow. Just you know, keep moving.

Perhaps I’m this way because growing up, I was always going all over the place. Weekends at Dad’s house, summers in California. Then in college I never stayed in the same place for more than a few months at a time, really. It was school to home to school to Florence to home to school. Then after school it was back in with the parents, then out to Oregon, then back in with the parents, then to London, then to Florence, then to London again, then back to the states.

So, I move around a lot. I like it, its simple. You don’t have too much stuff to deal with, it’s excusable to go a few days without checking your email, and people don’t get pissy with you if you don’t answer your phone. I like being in a place long enough to be comfortable, to be challenged and pushed to grow, and then I like moving on to the next place. Settling in really sort of scares me, to tell the truth.

But I’m going to have to start liking it, because I’ll be settling in to Bowling Green this fall. BGSU offered me an assistantship for my graduate studies, and I’m not about to turn down a chance for free school. I’m excited about facing the challenge of school (god I’m a nerd), and to be around a group of artists again. Having a good studio space is going to be wonderful, too. There’s something exciting about the thought of my own space that I’ll inhabit for a while, but it’s also daunting. I get so very restless. As excited as I am, I’m also nervous. I’m nervous about being in the same place for two years straight, what if I start going bonkers out in the middle of nowhere? I’m nervous I’ll miss Florence, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m always missing Florence (And, I’m actually going to go to Florence next summer for a month, because two whole years in one place would make me crazy!). I’m nervous about a million silly little things, and none of them I have control over. It seems that the older I get the more I find that to get what I really want out of life, to live as I wish to live and be my most authentic, true self, I must accept uncertainty as a certainty.

Growing up is so strange. I’ve realized a lot of things about myself recently. I’m not an adventurer. I’m not a person who likes wild thrills, recklessness, and seeing things just to see them. I like drifting, floating from place to place, moving about slowly and taking everything in that I can. Mostly I just want to learn as much as possible, feel and experience life in all of her uncertainty, terror, and beauty. Joseph Campbell said that we must “follow our bliss”, not money and security. John Keats and Nietzsche both talked about the importance of experience and difficulties to cultivate a life and a soul. Ultimately that’s what I’m trying to do with my life: cultivate it, cultivate myself, and cultivate my soul. It hasn’t been easy at times, and I don’t expect it to get any easier (the economy is awful and I’m a female artist…lets be honest here). But I’ve come to accept that life is going to be filled with difficulties. All I can do is embrace them, see them as a chance for growth and self-discovery. Certainly, it is easy to say this now. There are times when dealing with burdens will be overwhelming, I’m sure. But I’m determined to follow in my pursuit of beauty, to “follow my bliss”. It’s not just about creating art, creating beautiful objects. It’s about creating a beautiful, open life. Ultimately, my life is my art.

Wait, didn’t Gandhi say something about that?

when the sun came out for just a moment and it was so beautiful

2011-04-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

Peeps

2011-04-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

okay, here is the deal. A lot of my artistic energy has been going to something sort of silly, but totally lovely lately. A dear friend and I have been taking "Peep Pictures", which chronicle the lives of our peep pals. Here are some days in the lives of my peeps. Hopefully it will brighten your day. If the weather where you are is anything like here in Ohio, then you need it!

Hello!

Polaroid Peep!

Watching a storm roll in...

Reading before bed.

My dog attacks..

But they tamed him.

Lounging in the sun.

Light reading.

Goodnight!!!

transfers part 2

2011-04-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Soooo...

Transfers on to gessoed canvas=bad

transfers on to plain canvas=easy!

The photo was a bad image so it was no great loss to me, but it got pretty ripped up in the trial.

Here is a successful transfer from earlier in the week:

Transfers!

2011-04-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

As you can probably already tell, I finally have a polaroid camera. I understand that my joy about this probably reeks of wannabe hipster (is there still such things as hipsters anymore?), but I don't care. I've wanted a polaroid camera since third grade when my best friend had one and we used to play with it at the pool.

I just love the instant nostalgia that a polaroid photo has- I'm a sucker for any tool, process, whatever, that can evoke emotion. The nostalgia makes ordinary images become beautiful, because they seem fleeting and intangible. I just love that. There is also a bit of creepiness to a lot of polaroids. I don't know how or why that is, but there are just some photos that just seem, well, kinda creepy. And I love weird stuff like that.

Needless to say, I've been going a bit crazy taking photos. I've also discovered something else fun. You can peel the pictures apart and transfer the emulsion layer from the clear plastic front, to another object.

This photo was successfully transfered.

This was the original image. Kinda crappy.

To do this transfer, you cut off the white stuff, then throw what's left (so the photo) into hot water, then wait until the layers fall apart. When you are able to take all the layers apart, you can very carefully, with a soft brush, peel off the emulsion layer, transfer to cold water, and then on top of another piece of paper. It's a finicky process, but if you are very careful about it, you can get some really cool results. If you're interested in trying it, I suggest starting with polaroids you aren't too happy about, so it doesn't matter if you rip the emulsion layer (this happens easily-like a said, you have to be delicate).

Here is a great video to help you get started:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p7WtPFttNg

This was my first transfer-notice how some parts ripped. I used a boring photo to try it out,

and the transfer really made it look more interesting than the original!

I love it because it is (hopefully) going to allow me to transfer photos on top of other drawings and writings. More experiments to come, which is making me very excited!

past sunday

2011-04-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

waking up

2011-04-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

I love daffodils. They signify the early spring, the time when its finally come and you're so hungry for it everything seems ethereal. Much in the same way that, just a few months later, peonies signify the beginning of summer, before the weather turns to warm for comfort.

Spring is just starting to open up here and it’s so lovely. I am always happy during the spring. I love change, I love transitions, and spring is that ultimate transition. The time between the extremes, but also full of extremes: with wild storms, wind, cool days and warm days and the occasional snow, spring sees everything. I always feel like I’m waking up in the spring. I suppose that my body is simply following the natural order of things, as spring is the time when the earth wakes up.

There is something so transient about this time. I am always filled with energy and insights, full of feeling and high intentions. A yoga instructor I once had talked to my class about how we must view winter not as a dark time, but as a meditative time. So spring is the moment of waking up, of coming to, after going inward. How beautiful.

spring photos and other such things

2011-04-09T07:49:00.001-07:00

Well, first things first, spring is slowly starting to open up on us here in Ohio, and its wonderful. I am always so inspired by the spring. I feel as though, along with the Earth, I'm finally waking up.

All of that being said, I have news and what not. First, I have created an Etsy account! Please look it over, let me know what you think, and of course, buy something!

My Etsy!

I also spent about two weeks busting my butt on making my very own, grown up website, all about my work! So please, please, please check it out. Let me know what you think!

My grown-up website!

I've included some photos of the spring for all of you. I've been doing a lot of work on Keats-related stuff, as well as some photography experiments. This weekend I will be getting to posting about all of this, so please check back later!

xoxox

2011-03-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

oh Italy how I long for you!

Things have been so busy lately, with Matt's spring break, then my sister's. I've barely had time to paint, but I've managed to slip in some drawing and dreaming here and there.

the red sauce project

2011-02-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Hello my dears! I hope you are all well and healthy and safe. The other day on the phone someone wished me to have "a wonderful and safe day". I thought that was sweet.

Thats not the point. The point is that for the past four weeks I've been making a lot of red sauce. Because I'm on a mission. To make a great red sauce. I make a pretty good red sauce. But not a great red sauce. And I need to make a great red sauce. I love pasta too much to not be really good at it. I'll post some pictures and recipes soon.

beginning of things

2011-02-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

From mid-October to mid-December of last year, 2010, I went on what I referred to as the JKP: the John Keats Pilgrimage. I later thought about changing the name of my trip to the John Keats Sojourn, to make reference to his famous poem, ‘La Belle Dame Sans Merci’ (the poem is at the end of the post if you’re interested in reading it), but unlike the soldier in the poem, I was not searching for beauty in a dark place, I was continually finding beauty in an already beautiful places. So I decided to keep the name JKP. Because it was, honestly, a pilgrimage. A pilgrimage with a trip to Florence thrown in to make some work about the pilgrimage, but a pilgrimage none-the-less.

The definition of pilgrimage is: a journey of a pilgrim; especially : one to a shrine or a sacred place. The definition implies a journey that has spiritual significance. For me Keats’ house, the house he died in, his grave…these are all sacred places. This journey was as much about gathering information and creating work as it was about connecting to the kosmos, to Keats. There is something sacred about Keats work for me, something truly beautiful and therefore eternal in his best poetry. So he has become in many ways like a saint to me, a creative saint. Through his work, I have found a deeper understanding of beauty, and a more intense inspiration than I ever imagined possible. So for me, this trip was about trying to connect with my own hero, my own saint, so that I may gain a better understanding of him and his poetry, thereby informing my own work in a more powerful way. It was also, I’m beginning to understand now, more importantly about trying to honor and ultimately thank him.

So, why Keats? I honestly don’t know for sure. I have a lot of guesses and feelings, but nothing clear, nothing definitive. Last spring I saw the movie about his and Fanny Brawnes love affair: Bright Star, and was instantly moved. Then I ordered a book of his complete poems, and read ‘La Belle Dame Sans Merci’, and truly fell in love with the poet. Something just clicked inside me, and has been clicking since. I couldn’t get enough of his poetry, of learning about him, about everything surrounding Keats. His best poems are so transparent…it’s never like I’m reading a poem by him, I’m simply in it, in the landscape and emotion and beauty. The poems are so in this world, yet at the same time so beyond it, into the next life, into some faerie land, into the kosmos, all at once. And Keats’ whole life…there is an element of the sublime just in the story of his life, let alone in his poetry. I don’t know why, but I know that it’s Keats.

Over the next few weeks, or really however long it takes, I’m going to write about the JKP and John Keats’ life and poetry and post it for all of you (along with regular, goofy, and fun posts, so you all don’t get Keatsd-out). Please feel free to comment and give your thoughts, critiques, and ideas. My plan is to, after I’m all done, take the posts and bind them in a book, along with photos and work from and about the journey. Thanks for reading!

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.

Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel's granary is full,
And the harvest's done.

I see a lily on thy brow,
With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful - a faery's child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She looked at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan.

I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery's song.

She found me roots of relish sweet,
And honey wild, and manna-dew,
And sure in language strange she said -
'I love thee true'.

She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept and sighed full sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
With kisses four.

And there she lulled me asleep
And there I dreamed - Ah! woe betide! -
The latest dream I ever dreamt
On the cold hill side.

I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried - 'La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!'

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill's side.

And this is why I sojourn here
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
And no birds sing.

the ice storm

2011-02-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

A dreadful ice storm hit us here in central Ohio the past few days, and a lot of people (including myself) went without power for a while. It was kind of scary, but also really beautiful looking. From inside, because there was way too much ice to even consider venturing out. I took the opportunity to take some photos.

John Keats and a famous quote

2011-01-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

A letter of Keats'

In 1818, the poet John Keats writes in a letter to his brother and sister-in-law, “I think I shall be among the English Poets after my death”. At the time he is writing this, Keats is broke and practically homeless, and it’s less than three years before his death. I keep coming back to this now-famous quote of Keats’ because there is something about it that is insightful, perhaps childish, and heart breaking all at once. I have often wondered if he truly believes what he is saying, or if he is saying it to put on a brave face after bad reviews.

There are moments when I paint that I feel it, it happens seldom but it does happen. I am completely in a painting, lost to the world, and when I get out of that trance, I can feel that I’ve made a good painting. There’s something inside of me that just knows it. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m in no way trying to say that any of my painting comes close to being as good as Keats’ writing. But I wonder, does Keats feel that way when he writes that to his family? Does he just know that his ability and his writing would stand the test of time?

I think maybe so. He quits surgical school to dedicate his life to his poetry, essentially resigning himself to near poverty. He had to have a feeling that somewhere deep inside him there was writing that was eternal (he also maybe had some crazy in him). On his epitaph, he wants “Here lies one whose name was writ on water” written, which indicates that he kind of knows his writing is timeless. He wanted WAS. Not is. If it said is, his name would be continually presently written in water and continually presently being dispersed and forgotten. But it’s was. Critics at one point dismissed him; his name is writ on water once, but only for a brief spell. Sadly that brief spell came about while he is living.

It’s entirely possible that he is being arrogant and childish and just saying that to deal with bad reviews, but I doubt that. His letters and the love of his friends really don’t point to him being an arrogant person. The letters actually show just how insightful, caring, humorous and kind Keats is. And how sad it is that he dies so young.

“I think I shall be among the English Poets after my death” is heart breaking for so many reasons, chiefly being the obvious fact that the world lost a great talent long before he could strengthen his voice. We never got to experience Keats’ own “Prisoners” (I’m making a reference here to Michelangelo’s later works. The Prisoner’s series are a group of seemingly unfinished marble sculptures of figures. But they are much more than that; they are humans being born from the rock, who are still trapped by what they came from. Yes his first Pieta is amazing, yes the Sistine Chapel is unreal, but his later sculptures are so much more raw, so much more emotional, so much more…real).

But there’s a lot more to it than that. It’s almost as if Keats knows, long before he is seriously sick, long before he actually dies, that his death is an essential part to his life. From taking care of his dying, tubercular mother as a child, to learning the crude rules of early 19^th century English surgery, to taking care of his dying, tubercular brother, to finally his own ever-nagging ill-health, death permeates Keats’ whole life. It is as if death follows him around, and instead of trying to fight it, Keats, very early on, accepts death, and works with it as best he can. When he finally starts to get seriously ill, he identifies (through his surgical training and the care he gave his mother and brother) exactly what was wrong with him, and tries to live around it. He publishes a book and falls deeper in love with Fanny Brawne. He is used to death. It’s both a sad fact, but something that seems to have possibly been necessary to his work. Perhaps if Keats weren’t so aware of the fragility of life, he wouldn’t have given up surgery for writing. Perhaps is he wasn’t so aware of the fragility of life, he wouldn’t have been so transparent and able to readily express life and it’s beauties in his work. I don’t know, these are just speculations. But I feel that in saying “I think I shall be among the English Poets after my death”, Keats is acknowledging his own death and the importance it plays in his poetry.

It is such a famous quote now, that we’ve lost the connection to Keats in it, the part of the quote that comes from a human. Now it's just a cool saying that enforces the stereotype that artists get famous after death. But that's not what Keats was going for when he wrote it, that is not what it is really about. It’s a person coming to terms with his life. It is a moment of acceptance, in many ways.

Life Mask

Death Mask

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

2010-12-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

xoxoxox

Remember when I used to be good at blogging? oh yeah, me too

2010-12-30T19:17:00.001-08:00

Well, I've been a pretty rotten blogger lately and I have to apologize. I'm home safe and sound from my journey, and there is still a lot more writing about it to come. Currently I'm still internalizing it, while also joining in on all the holiday crazy-wonderful-fun-ness. I hope everyone out there had a wonderful, magical Christmas!

Harrods! All decked out for the holidays!

My last weeks in London were quite fun. I was ill for a good portion of my time there, but that didn't stop Matt and me from getting out and about. Let me tell you, the Victoria and Albert museum is the coolest place in London, possibly. There is EVERYTHING there. Textiles, sculptures, paintings, amazing gift shops, lovely cafes....it has it all. If you are in London, you HAVE to go there. I'm serious. Just for the bronze-casts rooms.

Let me explain. There are two HUGE rooms filled with bronze and plaster casts (from plaster molds) of pretty much all of the most famous stuff around the world. It's all life size. So the pulpit from Pisa's Cathedral is in a room with Trajan's column. I'm not kidding. There is one room for all of Europe, then another room for just Italian stuff (and the all-of-Europe room is half just from Italy...basically what I'm saying is that Italy rocks...if you didn't already need proof). It's so trippy and cool!

Matt in front of trajan's Column.

the David, in London!

The V&A has it all. It's an amazing resource for an artist-so much information, so many patterns, designs, sculptures...all in one place. It's also just a really fun place to get lost in. So if you're not an artist, still go. And if you are, give yourself a whole day there, you will need it.

My favorite sculpture in the V&A

I also checked out the Turner's again, and went to Keats' house on the last day in London..which I felt was an appropriate way to end the trip. But more on Keats and my Keats journey later.

London is quite the city....I don't think I could ever live there to tell the truth. So much going on, so many people, so much fast, fast movement. I don't think it's for me. It was quite an adjustment, going from Florence to London. Florence is so small, slow, relaxed and OLD. London is old, but not old like Florence. And it is certainly not relaxed, small or slow in any way. But it is inefficient in a lot of ways that Florence isn't (London's bus system is insane...Florence's was much more manageable).

I guess I'm just not a big-city type of person. Or maybe I'm just a nowhere-competes-with-Florence type of person. I don't know. All I know is that I miss Italy terribly.

Beautiful last day in London

But lets face it-this is just more my style

ROME ROME ROME

2010-12-01T03:21:00.000-08:00

Pictures from Rome! I'll write about it soon.

everything changes/nothing changes

2010-12-01T02:20:00.000-08:00

As I write this, I'm currently sitting in a warm, snuggly apartment in London, staring out the window at snow on the ground. CLEARY I'm not in Italy anymore. But I want to talk a bit more about Italy, Florence specifically. These thoughts are something I've been working on for my whole time in Italy, so it's probably best that I publish it now.

Things in Florence were strangely the same, and strangely different. There were things I forgotten about the city, that are still the same....and I was completely delighted by these discoveries. For example, Florence has a very particular odor, which I had lost remembrance of. It's a smell of chilled grime mixed with leather and the old-ness of the city. As I walked into the center for the first time I was hit with her smell, and it took me back to my first moments in Florence nearly two years previous. I couldn't help but smile, and be so thankful I was there. The water in Florence has a very particular smell as well, and my first shower was so exciting because all of a sudden I realized I was in Florence, all because of this smell. When you walk around the center, and see the corroded, hole-y pipes that they are pulling out of the ground, you understand the weird smell of the water, and why you have no water pressure or heat during your shower.

grimy, old city

There are still hoards of tourists, roaming about, being rude and not paying attention to their surroundings. There are still hoards of gypsies, begging for money, and there are still all the men selling umbrellas and roses, getting all up in your face.

There were things that had changed, though. In the San Lorenzo market, for instance, the police were much more present. Clearly there has been a crack down in the past two years concerning the counterfeit goods. I saw many less tall black guys selling stolen purses (though I still saw my fair share).

And the mayor of Florence has been making a concerted effort over the past year to make the Piazzas actual piazzas again-public spaces that the public uses. He wanted to stop people from leaving the center for shopping, living, eating, etc, and essentially turn the center back into a vibrant lively city. So the roads around the Duomo are no longer for cars, and the majority of the piazzas that once had roads going through or around them, no longer have cars in them. It's SO lovely to be able to meander around the Duomo, or any of the other piazzas, without any cars to worry about or hear. Clearly the plan has worked, because lots of people were in all the piazzas, all the time. Go Florence!

Yes, that's a Christmas tree. Yes, I was excited. But look-no cars in the road, just people!

I also noticed this time that there was a lot less cat-calling and bothering by young men. Now this might be different because of a change in Florence, or it might be a change on my part. I'm thinking it might be on my part. I'm thinking I probably look a little older than I did two years ago, and I'm no longer flanked on either side by blond girls who I'm talking with in English. That right there, I believe, is the biggest reason I wasn't bothered as much: I wasn't obviously a student, or an American. I also think I might have looked a little pissed off the majority of the time I was walking around-a result of me being lost in deep thought, combined with the fact that was pretty much only listening to Kid Cudi or Kanye my whole time in Florence, and I don't think anyone looks all bright and cheery when they are listening to hip hop (walking around a VERY old city listening to hip hop and rap was a very weird thing the whole time, but obviously it worked for me).

Also, something really wonderful was the same and also different. On the last Wednesday before I left, I was wandering around San Lorenzo, looking for Christmas gifts, and I wandered over to a scarf stand, only to be looking right into the face of my friend Alexandra. Now, two years ago, Alexandra was the woman working at the stand when I bought my first scarf. She showed me how to tie it cool (so I would "not look the same as the other girls") , and from then on we were friends. Her stand was right outside my door, and every day before class I would come out and chat with her. When I left, she told me she and her husband were moving back to Romania.

So of course when I got to Florence this second time I looked for her, but wasn't surprised to not see her. I assumed she was in Romania. Oh my goodness I was so surprised when I saw her, and she and I both screamed out loud. Turns out, she and her husband went back to Romania, liked it, but really just missed living in Florence. We ended up going out to dinner on Thursday, which was Thanksgiving, and I don't think there was a better way to have spent my Thanksgiving in Florence (didn't hurt that she took me to this AMAZING Neapolitan pizzeria and I had the most amazing vegetarian pizza of my whole life...she even remembered I was a vegetarian!). We laughed and had so much fun. I was so sad to say goodbye to her, but we exchanged emails and promised to keep in touch.

A perfect Thanksgiving

That's sort of the thing about Florence though, is that that's the sort of stuff that happens there..magic encounters that illustrate the beauty of life. Just like my last time in the city, I really struggled initially. Last time I was missing my family, struggling with roommate issues, feeling like a weirdo, and this time I was struggling with missing people, the buses, the language barrier...essentially I was struggling with being isolated. I think that's part of Florence though. If you're there to be in Florence, to live her (not just for a weekend as a tourist), she makes you work. You struggle, its HARD. But, just like my last time, by the time I left, I loved her: she had given me so many beautiful gifts, she had opened up and showed me beauty.

I often talked with one of the directors at the studio I worked in, about why some of us Americans (and the English), come back to Florence over and over again. I don't know any one else's reasons, but I think I know mine. Florence isn't easy. There are ugly parts to the city, there are ugly parts to your stay there. Things are confusing and upsetting sometimes. But despite all of that, and probably because of all of that, Florence is beautiful. All of that difficulty opens you up, so that you can really feel the beauty, the awe of Florence, and of life....feel it around you, but also IN you. Everything is intensified and clarified.

I came back to Florence again to be pushed out of my comfort zone, challenged, so that I could wake up in life again, grow and become closer to myself. I feel that all of my time spent walking around, riding buses, and painting has helped me to become more open-open to other people, open to beauty, but most importantly open to myself. Florence helped me before to learn how to listen to myself, and it helped me to do it again this second time.

I feel all excited about what's coming my way, about all the stuff I'm making, all the people in my life, all the things I'm doing and going to do.

Thank you, Florence.

a note about the picture

2010-11-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

I included this picture in my pictures from Matt's visit to Florence. I never got to explain the story behind it, though.

The second time I climbed the Duomo, almost two years ago, I climbed it with Melissa. It was a wonderful, relaxing, thoughtful experience. I didn't take too many pictures, because I was enjoying her company. But I did snap a picture of this graffiti. I thought there was something very beautiful and sad about it....something very poetic, really. It made me so thankful to be up at the top with someone I really cared about.

Sometime after Melissa had returned home to Ada, I showed my friend Biz the picture and she fell in love with it, too.

So when Matt and I were at the top, I told him I wanted to find this graffiti. I didn't know if I'd be able to, but I really really felt this urge, this need to see it again, all of a sudden. And so I started looking, turned a corner, and BAM there it was. It was just there, right in front of me. I was shocked by how faded it was! And I really don't think anyone could really notice it, its so faded. But there it was, it presented itself to me. Whoever YS is, I hope he/she has made it back with someone by now.

With Melissa, almost two years ago

How it looks today

seasons of mist (part 2)

2010-11-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

I have now been in Florence for 3 weeks, to the day. A month here is clearly not going to be enough time, but I have been fortunate enough to come back to my city, so I'm not going to complain.

A lot has happened these past three weeks, and I expect this upcoming week to be no different. I'm prefacing this post with these points because I think this is going to be an ongoing post. Hence the parts.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. The three of us who are here doing the residency have been hanging out quite a bit. One of my new friends is a girl who it still in college, the other is a young man who has been out of school for a while and works at a workshop type place in Maine. The three of us get along quite well, and it has not only been nice to make new friends, but I think the relationships are helping me grow as an artist. We discuss everything from the perfection of banana gelato to love of dead writers.

Yesterday the three of us went to Pitti Palace to see a Caravaggio exhibit as well as check out the museum/palace in general. Pitti is a fun place to see, just in general. Throw some Caravaggio's in there and you have something even cooler.

What was REALLY fun was that it all of a sudden it stopped raining and the sun came out (this is literally a miracle as it has been raining non stop for just about forever). So we booked it out of Pitti, grabbed some delish lunch, then walked up to Piazza Michelangelo, and then on to San Miniato. The views were clearly (as you can see from my pictures in the post below) spectacular. I forgot how much I used to enjoy walking up into the hills on the other side of the Arno. I'm so thankful I got to go back and enjoy it, especially on such a wonderful day.

San Miniato is a really beautiful church, with a lovely pre-renaissance facade. If you are in Florence, make the trek up to it. You can see what inspired the exterior of the Duomo, then turn around and look at the Duomo.

Another really awesome thing about San Miniato is that there is a beautiful, expansive cemetery behind it. Anyone who has ever made the mistake of mentioning Paris around me knows that I LOVE Pere Lachaise and I love a good cemetery. Let me tell you, the cemetery at San Miniato is almost as cool as Pere Lachaise. Almost. Delacroix isn't buried there, though.

Being in the cemetery yesterday was perfect timing for me. The sun was getting low and golden in the sky, there were birds chirping, roosters were yelling, the air was moist and cool, and I could faintly hear the organ playing inside the church. I was also alone. My comrades had gone off to explore, and there wasn't anyone else in the section I was in.

I find cemeteries to generally be very contemplative, meditative places, and this one was no different. The atmosphere was enhanced by the time of day, the general wetness from the rain, and all the mist and clouds.

One of the things that has happened here in Florence is that my brain has literally not shut up for the past three weeks. I have been thinking about a myriad of different topics, and its all sort of constantly swimming around in my head. This is always happening, but when I'm constantly with my friends or family or co-workers, or just generally in a place that has signs and music and posters and people speaking a language I understand, I can get away from this constant thought for large chunks of time. Here, though, I cannot.

It's not like I'm sad or thinking dreadful, angsty things. Quite the contrary. I find myself consumed with thoughts about paint/colors/textures in general, Keats and the richness of the landscapes he discusses, the patterning on the Duomo and what it all means, my own musings at the place of the artist in todays society, how we are all interconnected, and, and always, I am trying to listen to and understand my ever-changing emotional interior.

Back to the cemetery. Being there yesterday was perfect timing, as I said, because it allowed me time and a specific space to let all my thoughts, dreams, and musings to wiggle around and grow. I just kept looking and looking at the statues, the names, the flowers, trying to figure out what it all means. Staring at the Duomo, at all the beautiful reminders of life and death around me in the cemetery, I tried to reconcile it all in my head. Why we do all this weird stuff when people die, like put their pictures or fancy writing on gravestones, or why we bother to make these beautiful spaces, or why I even bother painting at all. I couldn't "figure it out". And then I realized that NONE of us can, really. We all don't know why people die. We don't know really why we are alive (though most of us have a pretty good feeling as to why, we feel we have some purpose pushing us onwards). But we all are here, we all have time, we are all connected. And why we do all this weird stuff-like build beautiful monuments and erect statues over graves- hell we do this stuff because we don't know what else to do. We just do what we CAN do.

I'm there trying to figure out what it all "means" like some angsty teenager when there isn't some huge great meaning to it all. It's just all of us, being humans, being all interconnected and stuff. It's all just there. We've all put it there because we can. We don't know what else to do in the face of life, death, and the whole great big universe. We built beautiful spaces because we can, because it helps us to feel more connected to God, the Kosmos, and each other. We put grave makers and statues down over the bodies of our loved ones because it helps us to feel closer to them, as well as helps us to remember they are part of bigger things now. We don't know what else to do, so we do what we've been given the tools to do. We're all grasping at straws, but we're grasping together, and thats actually really beautiful. That's the meaning right there.

After the cemetery I went to the English mass in the Duomo. As always I cannot help but be humbled by the amazingness of the universe. The priest talked all about living your vocation, the importance of working hard at your calling, be it doctor, student, policeman or artist. We have to do what we can do with the time we're given.

Everything is so beautiful. I love you all.

seasons of mist (part 1)

2010-11-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

Hello loves! I'm quite exhausted from a busy, wonderful past few days. I have been doing so much thinking, creating and exploring-there is so much to talk about! But first, I need some sleep. I want to share some pictures though.

pics of the studio!

2010-11-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

"finding Florence"

2010-11-15T13:23:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful day. I returned to the studio and real life (so to speak) after the wonderful weekend, feeling renewed and ready to take on life.

I've been taking the bus every morning and every evening, in and out of the center. Riding the bus can be fun, relaxing, terrifying, stressful....it has been a great addition to this trip as well as the bane of my existence. What it has provided me with is a new, challenging experience every day. From being unable to understand the people who talk to me daily while I ride, to encountering people who seem a bit nuts, to buses randomly not coming (or randomly stopping), to seeing a terrible vespa accident.... I've experienced all sorts of things on the buses here.

Today's bus rides were, for the most part, uneventful. I felt very good going into the center this morning, and very relaxed on the way home (which really doesn't happen much). Where I'm going with this is that I think I am beginning to "find" Florence again, finally.

I loved Florence the last time I was here, obviously that's why I wanted to come back. But the Florence that I loved so much, the weird, dirty, wonderful, magical place that it is, has been hard to find this time around. Maybe she (the city that is), is making me work harder now that I'm back, testing me to see if I really loved her. For the past two weeks there have been moments of brightness, of total openness and beauty, but there have also been an overwhelming amount of frustration, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion....I wasn't in Florence the way I wanted to be, I wasn't open to her and her weird beauties. I've felt like an alien, someone who didn't belong...I felt trapped in a bubble that I was unable to break through.

No longer though! I think maybe this past weekend helped me to break the bubble. Seeing Florence through Matt's eyes was exciting. I think it helped me to see Florence again fresh, to take a step back from all of the confusion I've felt and actually embrace it, embrace her weirdness.

I drew and wrote inside the Duomo for quite a long time today. I love the space inside the Duomo, how empty, calm and quiet it is compared to the outside. While I was inside marveling, I realized how amazingly well the Duomo is a small representation of the vast wide kosmos. On the outside everything looks busy, fast, and separated, but the core is still. Just like all of us, we all seem so busy, so separate, but really we are all part of the universe, stemming from the same core of life. And of course, we have that stillness inside of us. Our exterior lives may seem insanely busy and stressful, but we are all able to be quiet and find stillness within ourselves, find that connection to kosmos.

I guess I had been forgetting for these past two weeks why I fell in love with Florence in the first place: because no matter where you are or what you're doing, whether it's riding the bus or standing at the top of the Duomo, you can't help but be aware of the fact that we are all just living people-we are all interconnected.

grass in front of the Duomo?

2010-11-14T12:21:00.001-08:00

Yeah, I'm not kidding. They put a grass lawn up in front of the Duomo this saturday.

Why? Well, because Matt was in Florence.

Or actually, his trip coincided with the start of the "Florens 2010" festival. Basically, Florence wants to become a major creative and economic center in the world once again, and this was a festival to help jump start that. So they put out a grass lawn. On Friday they stuck a life size replica of the David on one of the side domes, and then moved him to the grass on Saturday. Yeah I'm not kidding. There was also a food market in piazza della reppublica, and an olive oil market in piazza Santa Croce. Matt came to Florence at a smart time. As crazy as all of that sounds, it's all so Florence (for any of you out there who have been here, you know what I'm saying...it just all was SO something that would happen in Florence).

We had a lovely, wonderful fun weekend. Climbed to the top of the Duomo (which was, of course, SPECTACULAR), ate a lot, wandered around...it was not super touristy, but it was very fun. It was very nice to share my favorite city with someone. And to have a break from the landscape stupor I'd been in all week.

On top of the Duomo

xoxoxox I love you all

Life, etc.

2010-11-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hello Loves! Sorry I haven't written in a while..I was gone from the apartment over the weekend and the internet wasn't working too well last week. I'll try to make up for it.

Things are going amazingly well in all areas of my life currently. Especially with my work. I feel that this is the first time in my life that I have consistently produced good work the majority of the time. I feel that I have really begun to "streamline" mu process in a way. Perhaps this is because the studio where I'm doing my residency is only open 5 hours a day (welcome to Italy), so when I'm in the studio, I'm pushing myself very hard to get as much out and as good of stuff out as possible. Normally when Im doing my little emotion landscapes I have to do a few ugly ones to get to the emotion, get to the root of what I'm feeling, to then make good ones that are straightforward in their emotional intensity. Yeah that all sounds super gallery speak, I know. But in all seriousness, I feel that right now I am able to "get there" so quickly (perhaps because I'm alone and don't have friends/family/people who speak my language around me at all distracting me, or maybe because being in florence again is helping me get in touch with myself....who knows?).

I'm also seeing the landscape transcending a small painting, I can see and am working to make it go beyond that, which is very exciting (speaking of which..photo friends...if any of you know anything about printing photos on canvas please talk to me, I'm interested in it). And in addition to that, I'm doing so much drawing/sketching/photo-ing of the Duomo facade and interior, that I literally cannot wait to get back in Batik about 400 scarves. I look at the Duomo every day, for a long time, and EVERY SINGLE TIME I notice something new that intrigues, excited and mystifies me.

Okay enough about art. Now about life. Life is going well. I'm having a nice time with my roommate, Cesar, and it doesn't hurt that he's always playing guitar so there is always music in the apartment. I'm eating tons of amazing food but have still managed to lose a ton of weight (this, in fact, is a very BAD thing because none of my pants or skirts fit). I'm doing a lot of reading, this last week inside the Duomo actually, because it was dreadfully rainy out. I'm also having a blast sort of helping travellers out. People frequently ask me for directions or help or something (which makes me feel pretty good, like I actually look like I belong here or something, even if I'm not feeling that way), and are always so relieved when I answer them in English.

Oh and Matt was here this weekend. Thats sort of like all the sugar in the caffe latte, or the icing on the cake, so to speak. More on his trip later, though.

xoxox

loveylovelyloveylove

2010-11-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Today was GREAT! Even despite all of the weirdo bus problems there were, today was WONDERFUL.

Let me tell all of you about it.

For starters, all of my laundry finally dried, so I had fresh new clean clothes. I did laundry yesterday early in the day, but it was raining so I couldn't put anything on the line, so all my clothes were hanging around the apartment. For those of you who have been to Florence in the colder months, you know that it is always kinda damp here. So its a relief to have dry clean clothes.

Anyway, thats not why today was so wonderful. It was wonderful because, well, for starters, they were letting tourists go all the way back to the alter in the Duomo today for some reason. They never do this. You only get to see the alter and the dome's mural if you're in mass or just climbed down the 463 steps from the top. And I can't do both of those things on a day-to-day basis, so I don't get to see the alter or the inside of the dome. But today I got to marvel at it. And it was magnificent.

It was also, for the brief hour that I was walking around the center, sunny out. The rest of the day it poured. The universe opens up her arms sometimes, you know? The sky was a perfect shade of blue, the clouds were unreal...it was gorgeous out (even though it's turned quite cold).

I also got into a really really good groove in the studio tonight. Did two new medium-sized paintings, finished another one I started next week, annnnndddd got a little book all put together. I have to put the cover on it, so it's not quite done and ready for the other blog. I'll include a sneak peak view of it, though.

It was pretty rainy and gross on the way home, and there were some bus troubles, but I ended up talking with a botanist from a university in Florence for quite a while on the ride home. It was very pleasant. He was so excited to tell me about the botanical gardens that are right near piazza san marco. I might check them out actually-I'm in that piazza every day, and I love a good garden.

So today, I'd say, was pretty great. I'm looing forward to seeing what's in store for tomorrow!

I love you all! xoxoxo

new boooook!

traveling alone is wonderful/traveling alone is awful

2010-11-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

yum!!!

a fun little detail on the Duomo. I spend probably an hour (or more) every day just staring at the facade.

oh my god the colors here!

Sorry about being so dreadful about posts this week, I have been very busy settling into Florence and the studio.

The week was lovely-lots of sunshine, very warm (65 everyday!), and lots to do/see. I got settled into the studio space, which I like quite a bit. There are not very many students at the school, and there is only one other person doing a residency right now. So I really have the whole painting area to myself. Everyone is so nice and fun! It's great being in a studio again...just the smell of it makes me happy. This past week I was a bit all over the place about work- I never felt that I could nail down what I was doing. But Friday I pushed through, and now I feel settled into the studio, with direction and conviction. I have so much time to make stuff, and there is so much stuff that I want to be making, that I'm seeing/feeling and want to be reflecting on, that it's almost overwhelming. I think that's good though. Because I can work as hard as I can this month, then come home and still have so much "material" to work from. Does that make sense?

Being back in Florence again is wonderful, but also quite strange to tell the truth. Ahhh seeing the Duomo every day is pure magic, pure bliss. And all the food is, of course, to die for. I am so enjoying taking long walks around the city, watching people, soaking up all of the beauty.....

I enjoy all of the alone time I have, I feel like I'm finally having a chance to catch my breath. I'm wandering around, taking pictures, sketching, reading....I love it. Making my own schedule, following my own regime and doing whatever the heck I want is quite invigorating. Right now it still feels like I'm living in a dream, to be honest.

But I am also missing everyone that I was here with the last time. I did not expect for this to happen, but I guess I should have. Of course the reason my last trip here was so wonderful was because I was here with and meeting some amazing people. The last time I was here was when it (finally) occurred to me that it's all about the people in your life. And here I am in Florence again, all by myself. Now, don't go thinking I'm unhappy or freaking out. I'm not. I'm quite enjoying myself. And I'm not even really alone at all-Matt will be here Friday. I guess I'm learning that as much as I love to travel (and oh my do I love to travel), I love to travel with people.

But right now, this is the first chance I've had in a long time to just focus on making stuff. And I'm enjoying that fact quite a bit.

I love you all and miss you xoxox

oh hey Florence, I love you.

2010-11-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, todays weather was supposed to be crappy, but instead it was BEAUTIFUL out.

I did so much today I'm not even going to try to tell you what all I did. I'll upload some picture so you all can get an idea. It's easier and more fun for you than recounting every little thing. All day I had the biggest smile on my face. It was brilliant.

I love you all. xoxox

Creepy dead animals in Mercato Centralli.

San Lorenzo market!

They were very seriously cracking down! There were LOTS of police all over the market.

the inside of the Duomo is insane.

Yeah, I got a giant gelato. Three different kinds. I don't know what they were but they were great.

London--->Florence

2010-11-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

Hello! I'm in Florence, safe and sound, after a rather awful trip to get here.

But lets not get into that just yet, okay? My last day in London was really nice. We went to St. James' park, saw Buckingham, went to Pret for lunch and then hit up the national portrait gallery. St. James' was spectacular! So beautiful, especially because the weather was so great-it was really sunny, then all of a sudden it rained terribly hard, then the sun came right back out. It was so cool. There were a lot of people at the park (naturally), so it was quite lovely to see the kids feeding the birds and running about.

View from St. James'

Close up of the buildings...as Matt put it "where are we? India?" because of how cool this looks. Apparently its a bunch of military and government buildings. It looks like a palace though!!!

Buckingham palace!

The national portrait gallery is really fun. First off, there was a "fan rally" in Trafalger square (which is right in front of the National gallery and portrait gallery), for of all things....the NFL. Weird? Yeah totally.

Anyway, the gallery was a blast. It was exciting to find portraits of people (Darwin, the Bronte sisters, Turner, Keats are just a few of the surprises we came across). What was most fun though was seeing all of the weird old portraits of Royalty, pre and post Tudor. It was a fun place to roam.

Okay, now to the Journey to Florence. Basically, don't ever fly on Halloween. Anything that could go wrong, pretty much did. From delays to missing buses to my phone not working to being lost. But I made it. I also ended up talking to a lot of girls who are studying in Florence, which was fun. So it didn't turn out too badly. I'm off to do some much needed laundry, then attempt to use the buses to go see the Duomo!!!!

I love you all! xoxox

oh wow

2010-10-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today is John Keats’ birthday! Happy birthday to Keats!!! This post is particularly appropriate given today.

In the garden

Keats' house!

Almost there!!!

Yesterday was a fantastic day for me. Matt and I woke up early to explore this very cool market called Camden. It used to be horse stables apparently. Anything you wanted, you could probably get at Camden…from vintage clothes to good cheap Indian food (which I had and YUM!) to touristy crap to Buddha statues (or Ganesha, or Shiva…you get the picture). There is also a wide array of interestingly dressed and manicured people at Camden. I saw some of the craziest hair of my life there. It was a very fun place to walk about.

After Camden, I dragged Matt to Keats’ house. This is the house he lived in (in Hampstead) during his “living year”, where he wrote pretty much all of his most famous and most awesome poetry-“Ode to a Nightingale” for example. While he was living there with his friend Brown, Fanny Brawne and her family inhabited the other half of the house. Keats and Fanny were in love, he wrote a bunch of poems to her, it was lovely and ended tragically. I suggest if you want to learn more about their relationship, or just want to learn more about Keats, or just want to watch a badass film, to watch Jane Campion’s Bright Star.

Anyway, being at his house was awesome, in the exact sense of the word. It was so weird to walk around where he actually walked, see out the windows he looked out, and stroll around in the gardens where he wrote and talked and fell in love. Honestly, the whole time I was there I was speechless. I had my “parade face” on, for those of you who know about that. I was just so excited that I couldn’t show any emotion. It was so beautiful! The trees were a wide array of fall colors, and it was cloudy and windy out (which is my favorite kind of weather), and I was just so happy. Matt was a real trouper the whole time. I kind of owe him hardcore. I hope there are all sorts of design museums in London that I can go to with him when I come back in December.

Oh yes, all of that being said, I leave London tomorrow for Florence. So the journey continues!

Cool signage in Camden

made it

2010-10-27T10:04:00.001-07:00

Matt checking out a Turner.

The awesome exterior of the Tate Britain.

ACTUAL PIGMENTS FROM TURNER'S STUDIO-HE TOUCHED THESE PROBABLY!!!

Ahh look at the way he applies the paint, look at that texture and all of those colors!

AN ACTUAL SKETCHBOOK OF TURNER'S!

Here we are outside of Westminster!

So here I am!! I made it to London with really no problems, and spend the first day sleeping, eating and exploring the area where Matt lives. Also, of course, hanging out with him. And meeting all of his very kind friends. I'm looking forward to getting to know them all better.

Today (my second day here), was probably a peak life experiences. One of those days you never forget. Oh I know how ridiculous and portentous I sound, but I'm being serious. As soon as I explain, you'll all understand. Matt and I went to the Tate to see the Turner's ("oh my god Emily is so weird with her love of Turner" I'm sure you're all thinking). AHHHH!!! You all know how I feel about Turner. And to have Matt there with me!?! Oh my goodness if there had been a painting of Keats or something of his there I would have exploded because of joy. I was just about to anyway.

There were so many of them, I had forgotten how many there were at the Tate. Oh my god I just love how Turner handles paint, color and texture! And to make the situation even more fantastic for me, the Turner wing of the museum had an exhibit up called "The Romantics". How applicable to my journey is that? It was so cool to see Turner's stuff up next to his contemporaries (most importantly, Blake), get a really rounded out view of English Romanticism in painting. Clearly I was born in the wrong time and place.

Another favorite part of today: While lounging on a bench in the "Art and Sublime" room, I watched a little boy (probably 9 or 10), pretend to shoot a bunch of museum-goers (myself and matt included). He was being very stealthy about it, clearly there was some sort of war going on, because right after he "shot" me, he pretended to get shot in the arm, keeled over, then picked himself up and limped away. It was hysterical.

After the time in the Tate we headed along the Thames to see Parliament and Westminster. The sun came out as we were walking and the sky turned a brilliant shade of blue. Perfect weather for a stroll. We also hit up Primark (and I got a much needed pair of shoes for 6 pounds! lets just say I should have done a better job breaking in my boots before I left) on Oxford street, it was a zoo!

Thats all for now my dears. I'm off to have dinner with Matt and his friends. I love you all!

oh crap

2010-10-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow and I may or may not be totally freaking out.

sketches and such

2010-10-18T17:34:00.001-07:00

Oh hello all!

Just some sketches and works in progress for all of you. I've been working on a bunch of stuff all at once here of late (no surprise of course). I think being so excited to leave is making it difficult for me to finish anything, to tell the truth. I feel as though I'm in limbo, waiting for it to all come together, while I just push and push at everything.

I'm starting to get so excited to leave. I have everything I need all laid out; tomorrow is fitting it into an appropriate suitcase. This time around, I'm not bringing too much stuff. One medium sized suitcase and one carry on. I just don't want to deal with a heavy, big suitcase. Plus it costs money to check a second (don't get me started on airline fees)! And lets face it, I'm going to be bringing home tons of paintings/drawings/etc. And Christmas gifts. And new clothes. And maybe a scarf or two (or seven). I need the extra room. Last time I learned the hard way about packing too much stuff. Not this time, no way.

ONE WEEK UNTIL JKP

2010-10-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

What JKP stands for is "John Keats Pilgrimage". Thats what I'm going to call my upcoming trip to London/Florence. Because lets face it. I'm going to go hang out with matt. And I'm going to go cry in front of the Turners, and the Duomo, and all the Italian food....but the most important stuff that I'm going to be crying in front of (and thus making art related to and inspired by) is the Keats stuff. Like his house in Hamstead. And the Heath. And how I'm going to Rome to see the house he died in, and his grave (this is the part where all of you should start feeling very badly for matt).

I think its going to be pretty great. I'm excited to the point where I'm just agitated all the time. I've been to these cities before, but never at this time of year, and never with serious intentions. I want to explore the places, certainly, enjoy them and have fun. But what is going to be so exciting, so fun for me is to explore the person, the people, and the ideas that have influenced me over the past half year. All summer I could see what I was creating unraveling and coming together and unravelling again. There are all these pieces missing, like little clues I still have to find, to put everything together. I have all of these images, drawings mostly, but also photos, that are all connected, are all together but not quite. And they have something to do with Keats but I don't quite know what. I need to take them farther. And I think two months in Europe can help me do that. I have to do a lot of exploring. I have no idea what sort of images are going to come out of me, but I feel ready. I feel as though a bunch of stuff is just going to come screaming out of me, and I don't know what, but with some prodding and exploration, it will.

So anyway, keep reading this blog for travel stories, pictures of amusing stuff, general tid bits about Florence, etc. To see the work I'm making, check out my other blog: Emily Jay Painting

Ciao ciao ciao!

2010-07-08T22:02:00.000-07:00

this is my only finished 'peep painting'. it naturally went to my friend Andrew, who is a fabulous poet, because he helped inspire it. check out his blog: Andrew!

new work

2010-05-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

heres some new work!

last days in Ada

2010-05-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

My last few days in Ada were bittersweet. I love Ada, and am going to miss the people there, and the pretty little town.

Studies in Negative Capability, pictures from the show!

2010-05-25T13:00:00.001-07:00

my show opening!

Come to my show!

2010-05-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

pictures of spring

2010-05-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

Sidewalk drawing!

2010-05-03T06:13:00.001-07:00

I am in the coolest painting class-on friday we went out and decorated the sidewalks around the art building. It was funny to see the expressions on student's faces. Some were weirded out, some were excited, most were confused. The professors who walked by thought it was great. I tried to do some Michelangelo-esque figures. Who looked a little less manly.

2010-04-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

"Many are making love. Up above, the angels
in the unshaken ether and crystal of human longing
are braiding one another's hair, which is strawberry blond
and the texture of cold rivers. They glance
down from time to time at the awkward ecstasy—
it must look to them like featherless birds
splashing in the spring puddle of a bed—
and then one woman, she is about to come,
peels back the man's shut eyelids and says,
look at me, and he does. Or is it the man
tugging the curtain rope in that dark theater?
Anyway, they do, they look at each other;
two beings with evolved eyes, rapacious,
startled, connected at the belly in an unbelievably sweet
lubricious glue, stare at each other,
and the angels are desolate. They hate it. They shudder pathetically
like lithographs of Victorian beggars
with perfect features and alabaster skin hawking rags
in the lewd alleys of the novel.
All of creation is offended by this distress.
It is like the keening sound the moon makes sometimes,
rising. The lovers especially cannot bear it,
it fills them with unspeakable sadness, so that
they close their eyes again and hold each other, each
feeling the mortal singularity of the body
they have enchanted out of death for an hour so,
and one day, running at sunset, the woman says to the man,
I woke up feeling so sad this morning because I realized
that you could not, as much as I love you,
dear heart, cure my loneliness,
wherewith she touched his cheek to reassure him
that she did not mean to hurt him with this truth.
And the man is not hurt exactly,
he understands that life has limits, that people
die young, fail at love,
fail of their ambitions. He runs beside her, he thinks
of the sadness they have gasped and crooned their way out of
coming, clutching each other with old invented
forms of grace and clumsy gratitude, ready
to be alone again, or dissatisfied, or merely
companionable like the couples on the summer beach
reading magazine articles about intimacy between the sexes
to themselves, and to each other,
and to the immense, illiterate, consoling angels."
-Privilege of Being, Robert Hass, courtesy of Libby

"I want a brighter word than bright"

2010-04-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

There is this sensation for me, and I think for many other people, that upon the ending of something, everything around me becomes heightened. Ada in the spring is always beautiful, but this year everything seems brighter, more beautiful, almost dream-like. I can remember the last few weeks in Florence being much the same. The days seemed longer, the sun brighter, the people around me more alive and beautiful than I had ever noticed before.

I am trying to take everything in that I can, make the most of every day, be as open as possible. It's invigorating but also overwhelming (the fact that I'm preparing for an exhibit in a week is probably adding to this). I have the feeling of being completely awake at one moment, then lost in a dream the next. It's very perplexing.

Looking graduation in the face is a strange feeling. I cannot believe that I'm old enough to graduate, but a the same time I feel ready for a new challenge. As an artist, I have been understanding myself and my process in a whole new way, something that I believe started in Italy. It's time now to see where it takes me outside of a classroom setting. I'm lucky that I'm a painter-I can paint anywhere. But it is scary to think that I'm not going to be back in Ada in the fall, not back in school. I've been in school my whole life, I don't know what life without school is like. I'm not going to graduate school in the fall, either. I think it's time to get real life experience to teach me a thing or two, let real life influence my art. I know how to paint, and I know how to paint a lot, now its time to go out and do that, beyond the strange pretend-world that is college. Its a weird feeling, this freedom just on my horizon. It's scary in a lot of ways. But it's also wonderful.

2010-04-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

Why NOT paint on trash? I go through periods of being hyper aware of all of the junk I accumulate and throw away. I am always trying to reduce my waste and live simply (something I feel I'm pretty good at, minus the whole oil paints, turp thing), but sometimes I feel like that's not enough. None of the work I'm making now, as an undergrad and soon to be rambling young artist, is going to really be any good. The good stuff won't come till I'm much older. I have to keep painting, but the impact of all of it gets to me. So why not paint on trash? I'd love to have a whole wall of Starbucks cups that I find, painted with landscapes. Probably not something I'll ever complete, but it's fun to think about.

I thing of beauty is a joy forever

2010-04-25T09:04:00.001-07:00

I recently had the pleasure of seeing Bright Star, the Jane Campion film about the relationship between John Keats and Fanny Brawne. If you have not seen it, find a way to see it. It is a beautiful, sensuous, lyrical film, and it has been swimming in my imagination since my first viewing of it (I have watched it many times since). The film has also gotten me to start reading Keats, which I am very thankful for. I love the Romantic painters, why have I not read Romantic poetry?

Keats' letters are also worth a read-they are fresh and lively and sensitive and altogether entertaining. I have been going over and over in my head about his idea of 'Negative Capability': “I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason...” He wrote in a letter to his brothers. Be open to life, to the mystery of life, and don't reach after thing that are ultimately pointless! Be in it! Ahh I love it. I think much of my own work is about me trying to do this; to be sensitive to life. And here Keats is, explaining it away.

2010-04-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Lots of painting lately. I've been working on a lot of landscapes. It's interesting how I always come back to the looming landscape. I think living in the flatlands for the past four years has permeated into my subconscious. I can let my emotions play out across the landscape. These are two new ones. More to come!

winter moments

2010-01-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

pictures of the fall

2009-12-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

New silk scarves!

2009-12-29T17:59:00.000-08:00

Not all that I do is Painting!

2009-11-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

I have been painting, of course, but here is some other things I've been doing. I have completed two 'books'. The first, which is in the 'flag' format (pictured above), is still untitled. The poem inside of it reads:

In our sleep, pain, which cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
Until,in our own despair, against our will
Comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.

-Aeschylus

What you have despised in yourself

2009-08-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

They are here with us now,

those who saddle a new unbroken colt

every morning and ride the seven levels of sky,

who lay down at night

with the sun and moon for pillows.

Each of these fish have Jonah inside.

They sweeten the bitter sea.

They shape-shift the mountains,

but with their actions neither bless nor curse.

They are more obvious,

and yet more secret than that.

Mix grains from the ground they walk

with streamwater. Put that salve

on your eyes and you will see

what you have despised in yourself

as a thorn opens into a rose.

-Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

2009-08-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

We need to be careful

mamma says

We did the ground too deep

We'll end up in the sky.

Split the Sack

2009-07-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

Why does the soul not fly
when it hears the call?

Why does a fish, gasping on land,
but near the water,
not move back into the sea?...

What keeps us from joining the dance
the dust particles do?

Look at their subtle motions
in sunlight.

We are out of our cages
with our wings spread
yet we do not lift off.

We keep collecting rocks and broken bits
of pottery like children
pretending they are merchants.

We should split the sack
of this culture
and stick our heads out.

Look around.
Leave your childhood.

Reach your right hand up
and take this book from the air.
You know right from left don't you?

A voice speaks to your clarity.
Move into the moment of your death.
Consider what you truely want.

Now call out commands yourself.
You are the king. Phrase your question,
and expect the grace of an answer.

Rumi

I have been reading and re-reading this poem. The idea of splitting the sack of our culture and sticking my head out is a visual that I find very appealing. It is also something that I am trying to do regularly; attempting to step away from the image-obsessed, consumerist culture of my town in Ohio, and of America in general, is difficult but I am trying daily. As much as I would like the thought of going to live on a farm in the middle of no where and not using a cell phone, its not a very practical idea. Maybe when I'm a lot, lot older.

The other part of this poem that really gets me is the last two stanzas. When I first read it, and I came across the part asking me to consider what I really want, I was struck by the fact that what I really want deep down is a lot different than what I think I want on a daily basis. When I thought about it in that instant, I realized what I want out of life is great happiness and love, peace and ease. Not the usual, "I want to be a great artist and design for Hermes" that has been running through my mind lately.

Of course, it is the last part of the poem that has been troubling me. I didn't get it, I couldn't feel it. Until just the other night, when I finally realized what the question was. I know what I want, now how do I get there? How to be? What am I supposed to do?

Well, I didn't expect an answer. But, I sat quietly for a few moments and lo and behold, within myself there came an answer. Of course I'm supposed to create, paint, photograph, draw, bake, etc. And perhaps that great love I'm looking for in life is that-the creative process. But I also want to help people, to give to people, and sometimes sitting alone painting isn't the best way to really touch other people (lets face it-the art world is pretty messed up in my opinion, people outside of it don't really know it exists. Its not like Jeff Koons is giving tons of people a moment of peace or a huge beautiful experience with "his" art). Thats where this whole yoga thing comes in I think. Yoga helped me so much and made my life so much better, maybe I could do the same for other people with yoga?

This is why I love Rumi and his poetry, if you really sit with it in a quiet, patient, thoughtful manner, you can really feel the poems turning your insides, bringing things to the surface that you didn't know were even there.

2009-06-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

"The whole of existence is a mirror whose essence you are." RUMI

ten things you like

2009-06-02T21:49:00.001-07:00

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, my good friend Evan asked me to make a list of ten things I liked. He told me he did not believe I could, that there were not ten things that I actually liked. I do not remember whether or not I could make a list at the time.

Here is a list I made tonight off of the top of my head, of ten things that I like at the moment:

1-night time

2-windows open

3-big, bursting flowers, especially peonies

4-quiet

5-pretty music

6-the bookstore

7-letters/postcards

8-cutting things up and glue-ing them down

9-little paintings

10-when a song catches me

and here is a list of ten things I dislike at the moment:

1-onions

2-the air conditioning being on

3-when my stomach acts strange

4-the self portrait I just did

5-the television, really

6-what the stupid Twilight books have done to me

7-that I'm afraid to run

8-Powell, OH

9-rude parents at the pool

10-when Casper, my dog, licks everything

what about what we eat?

2009-05-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I recently watched a video on food in America. It was terrifying! Patenting genes, genetically modifying food by injecting cells with E. Coli, destroying farmers lives....and no one seems to care! I want natural food, I want REAL food. I want something that came out of the Earth, something that is the way god made it. People in America wonder why there is an obesity problem, well its because of our food. It's not real. And it doesn't do pretty things to our bodies! Our food is controlled by big business. What we need to live is controlled by major corporations! Why doesn't anyone seem to be upset about this? We have very little freedom here when it comes to what we eat (isn't America supposed to be all about freedom?); organic food is both expensive and shipped from all over the world, so that isn't very good either. There are only 4 types of potatoes for us to grow or choose from here in America. That is silly, that is wrong! Species are dying, or already extinct, and on top of that, life is being patented! There is something fundamentally wrong with patenting life; this has opened a whole door that will only cause us problems in the future, I fear. I don't understand why the American public isn't more upset about this! Of course, people need to be better informed, thats the first step. I'm sure the majority of people don't know, and therefore can't care. People need to know! Something needs to be done! Children will, already are suffering, because of this!

I'm thinking about doing research and doing my senior thesis project on this whole topic. So far I've been painting a lot of food. Food is a beautiful, wonderful part of every humans life, it is a simple pleasure that we have to indulge in, except here in America we don't know what that means. Its about eating food that is low in calories, low in fat, will keep up moving and is quick....its not real, its not good, and its no wonder the American public has a poor relationship with food. They don't even know that they do!

Sorry about this rant, I'm very upset about this whole food situation. Finding good, simple food in Italy was never a problem. It's a huge problem for me now.

Here is a link to the documentary, watch it:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

white houses

2009-05-17T20:27:00.001-07:00

Its been strange to be home, very strange. I can look back on the little girl in high school, and I feel for her, I long to talk to her, to tell her it will be alright. Who I am is so much different, so changed, from that girl. I feel like, for the first time, I am completely separate from all of my life in high school. All of the problems, the drama, the pains, it all seems far away; it does not touch me, it calls to me no emotion. But then again, this isn't really 'home' is it? It is, because it's the house I grew up, its where my parents live. But it's not where my life is. It's not where I belong, where I fit. A girl I knew, a girl I know well, lived here. It's strange, moving forward. It's strange, letting go.

We drive,

past the cool houses

white and beige and stucco-covered

lit up, luminious, hovering above us in the dark

They intimidate and mystify like the stars

(or so their owners hope)

and we nestled into them, long ago

someone we once knew

was nestled into them.

The songs we used to listen to in the parking lot

the haze of early morning still on us

These songs-they had meaning, they taught us truths

(or so we thought)

and they fit our lives, our moments

a perfect backdrop to everything.

We listen to these songs now,

singing, screaming along to them

they are so far behind us,

like picture books, photo albums,

we can feel moving, somewhere deep inside.

As we run, barefoot

Through a large

24-hour

city-sized

florescent-lit

store

Through the heavy halls

of memories

of papers, planning and scandal

Through the endless playground

of perfectly placed trees

winding roads

matching mailboxes

white houses

We know we are no longer home.

Taking a deep breath

we have sung it all out

All of the things we held so tightly

have flown out the window;

lost to the cool darkness

that wraps herself around us.

And so we propel ourselves forward,

Forgiven.

Triumph!

2009-05-10T10:53:00.001-07:00

I heard on the radio yesterday that the reign of the name 'Emily' has ended. For the past 12 years it has been the most popular baby name for girls, but has recently been replaced by Emma and Isabella. I feel bad for all the little Emma's and Isabella's of the world, I'm sure that their moms will tell them, "I didn't know anyone with your name when I named you that.."

It got me thinking though. I had a Grandma Betty and a Grandma named Judy. Both names seem 'old' to me. I can't imagine meeting a girl my age named Betty. That would certainly be cool, but is unlikely. Of course this is just the way things work, there is a cycle, but it's weird to think that, possibly, by the time I'm in my 80s, the name Emily will seem like an old name. Names like Edith and Iris were, at one point, fashionable names, but now seem like old-lady names to us youth. How funny! Emily will probably be regarded as an old lady name! This is wonderful.

So there's a fun little tid bit for you.

Take a Deep Breath

2009-05-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Last summer I visited London. It was my first time out of the United States (I'm not counting the Canadian side of Niagara Falls). It's funny, before going I wasn't so much excited about going to London. Of course I knew I would be seeing great art, and of course I was excited about that, but it wasn't London that was the big draw for me, it was the idea of traveling, of being someplace completely new, getting away. I ended up falling completely in love with London, and now desperately want to go back, because it's London.

It's strange to think about how much my world has changed in the past year. I've been to 4 different countries, and experienced things that I can't experience in America. The world is smaller to me, in the sense that I can see things in other parts of the world. Of course there is still a vastness to it, but I can visual things now, they are no longer image-less ideas and notions in my mind. Of course there are places that I haven't been that I cannot fathom, but I can at least fathom perhaps being there someday. But I have memories of places now, places beyond my home.

The more that I see, the more that I've experienced, the more widened things in my mind become. The past year has made me realize how little I actually know, if I even "know" anything at all. "Everything we think we know is absolutely unknowable (and/or just plain incorrect)." said Martha Rosler. How true that is. When I was in high school I knew so much about life; who I was, what I wanted, what I could/couldn't do, how things worked in the world. Today, I don't know what I want, or how the world works. I don't know what I can and cannot do, and I don't know who I am (though I am quite comfortable these days with simply "being"). In some ways its so exciting, so liberating. In other ways, its terrifying. As I head into the summer before my senior year of college, and beginning to seriously think about the future, it is overwhelming and scary. I don't know what I want, and I don't know what's going to happen to me, or what is a good step to make. But it's also exciting. I have all of these ideas, dreams and desires. I want to travel, I want to paint, I want to do yoga, I want to play with little kids...and I have the rest of my life to do all these things. Sometimes I just have to take a breath and remind myself of that fact.

this American Dream

2009-04-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm terrified of this American dream. I'm so blessed to be living it, but I don't think it's right for me. I know I'm always critical on this blog, I'm sorry. In a critique quite recently someone commented on the fact that the majority of my work is sad. I was surprised by this; I'm the happiest I've ever been. Perhaps I use painting to work the sadness out. But the thing is, I've just gotten back to the USA after making a life for myself in Italy. I'm not saying Italy is in any way better than the US. Both have their weaknesses, both have their strengths. But I am having serious culture shock, much worse than I had when I got to Italy. There are things here that don't make sense.

Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn my ear, everything is about diets, bodies, weight. You can't look at a magazine without there being something about new diet fads, and the commercials on the television are ridiculous...I was flipping through the channels and there was even a show titled "the best and worst beach bods". Seriously America? I don't like watching TV, but I know the majority of people do. I don't know how there are any girls left in this country who don't have an eating disorder. How can children develop a healthy relationship to food when they see foods that advertise less fat, when their parents are obsessed with their own weight, and are bombarded with information about dieting? People can't enjoy food, and oh my goodness food is one of the greatest pleasures there is to enjoy.

But I guess food is far too simple of an item to be a luxury, to be something that is treated with respect, love and admiration. I don't think that the American way of life really lends itself to being able to stop and smell the roses, to being able to appreciate the little things. Can people see the simple beauties of their life? One of the most beautiful things in the world to me is when I wake up every morning, and see the morning light peaking in through my curtains. Or simply enjoying a piece of fruit. Do other people stop to see the beautiful moments, the simple moments? Or are their minds so busy with tasks and lists and desires that they are unable to see what is around them? I didn't have a hard time slowing my life down and simplifying in Italy. I'm having a hard time doing that here.

I think we are all made to live a certain way. While in Italy I began to become aware of what that way is for me. I wanted to come home and continue to live this way, live my own "American dream". The American dream, well for me, it's something much different than what it seems to be today. For me the American dream is being able to go out and live the way I'm supposed to live, not in exactly the same way as anyone else. Thats the American dream now though-to live in the suburbs with a white picket fence and an suv or two. But that doesn't make sense to me (don't get me started on suv;s or how silly the suburbs look to me right now), how can that be the American dream? America was supposed to be the land of opportunities, not the land of consumption, or conformity. "Life is plurality, death is uniformity". I think people have lost sight of themselves, are unable to live the way they are supposed to live; the culture of America, the culture of lifestyle branding, consumption and dieting has gotten in the way, confused people, blinded and distracted people.

When I was leaving Italy I became aware of how hard it was going to be for me to live my own life, live the way that feels right and necessary to me, but I didn't know it would be this hard.

There is a hidden beauty finding it's way out of everything

2009-02-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Oh hello. It has been far too long, and I am quite sorry. I have been blogging on dream-in-italian.blogspot.com so check it out. So are my friends, Katy and Joey.

I'm in Florence. It's a strange city. She is beautiful, she is ugly, she is dirty, trashy, small and surprising. The men here make rude and inappropriate comments to me. There is trash everywhere. There are beggars on the street. There are few Italians living in the center. But there are moments, when the sun comes out, where I experience profound beauty. The sun on the Duomo, or simply dotting the top of a building, illuminating the laundry hanging out to dry...it is so simple, so clean, so perfect.

Since coming here I have been focusing on going slowly. Taking my time, seeing the things going on around me and being present in every moment. This is something I have a very hard time with, I know (my mom didn't call me a hurricane for nothing), but coming here has helped me to see the beauty of everyday life. The power in the simple. The profound in the daily acts, in the little moments, this is what I have been missing.

This simplicity is beautiful. I get so worried about things, about 'what is the point of painting', 'what will my life mean', 'how can I give my life meaning', but I am starting to realize that a simple life, a good life where I am happy and around the people I love, is all that I want. Is something that has profound meaning, has profound beauty. And when it comes down to it, I want to live in such a way that it has meant something just to have lived.

Lets go down the waterfall

2008-12-31T23:56:00.001-08:00

It's 2009! I'm laying in bed right now listening to Radiohead, in order of the most played. I can't believe it, 2008 is over. It's all over, I can put everything behind me and step into this new year with a clean slate, I can do that. I am doing that. A whole new year, and I don't know what's going to happen.

Some thoughts on my 2008, before I leave it completely...

Favorite movie of 2008: Brideshead Revisited
Favorite book of 2008: The Enchantress of Florence, Salman Rushdie
Favorite Song of 2008: Videotape, Radiohead
Favorite album of 2008: its a tie between Cat Power's Jukebox and Radiohead's In Rainbows (that's no shock, I'm sure)
Favorite musical discovery of 2008 (not a new musician, but someone I got into): Cat Power
Favorite (overall) asana of 2008: Pigeon pose (Eka Pada Rajakapotasana)
My artistic fixations of 2008: time, birds, the apocolypse, Harlequins, Pierrot, maps, apples
Coolest thing I did in 2008: I went to London, and I started to take yoga classes
Band of the year (not new band, but band that I listened to the most and whose music backdropped my life): Radiohead

"You must reach completely outside the box, past your apparent limitations, to find the tools that will allow you to sustain growth and realize your fullest potential." That's from my horoscope for 2009.

2008-12-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

So, it's less than a month until Florence. Am I freaking out? YES. I've been having some crazy dreams...last night we ended up going to an extravagant party, then going to a musuem that opened up to a beach, all before we got to our housing. I've had a few nightmares about it too...getting lost, etc. I am quite excited though. I'm tired of waiting and making lists and planning, I just want to pack and be there.

I've been, as usual, listening, watching, and reading about Radiohead. They really can get me started. I want to start playing around with animation, video, sounds. I've always been interested in film, I love digital photograpgy, and I feel like the things that I'm interested in right now (time and my relationship with it, birds and what they represent, the fall of Rome (of a western way of life), maps and the idea of being both big and small and interconnected) could all play well and be explored more by taking them beyond painting. I want to incorporate what I already do and love (painting), but take it further. Meshing all of these things is difficult. Thom Yorke said in an interview I watched recently that "if you know something will work, you also know it won't work", and I think thats completely true. I have a desire, a need to create, to push things out and onto paper, to express. I love painting, I love the process of it, I love seeing where it will take me, I love oil paints and turpentine, how they smell, how they feel under your fingers, how they dance across surfaces, but lately I've been wating more. More texture, more depth, more than just a surface. They work, but they also don't work.

I've been struggling for the past year on how to reconcile the fact that art, paintings, are just things-they're objects that are hung on walls then discarded later. They don't function, they don't do anything that serves a needed purpose; they basically become waste that is thrown out. And with our huge problems with waste and what it's doing to the Earth, I often have a hard time justifying to myself that my career choice is not only financially possible (lets face it, art is a luxury, and in a world going through a huge financial crisis, art is a luxury that people cut out first), but that the choice to try to become a painter is even an ethical thing to do. In the process of painting I create a lot of watse, as much as I try to reduce and reuse, and my product in the end will eventually become trash. I love art, I love painting, but really whats the point. It's just stuff to fill space on walls. This fact gets me down sometimes.

Anyway, where all of this is leading is that I need to create art that is present, that deals with this existential crisis I've been having, but that also is of our time. I don't want to take away the imortance of a painting, of the traditional forms of art-they are the most important and most valid. I hate the idea of being different just to get attention and I don't like the idea of avant-garde. I think taking the time to look a physical piece of art is important-it does something to you and it is a very real thing. I think there is nothing wrong with painting just to paint. But I also think that in this day and age, it takes more than looking to communicate and have a conversation with most people. Digital multimedia can do that. I can talk about life now, using the tools and the mediums that make life now what it is.

In Limbo

2008-11-20T22:18:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm getting ready for bed. It's my last night at ONU until next year. It's an odd thing to think about. I'm so excited to go to Italy, I want to be reborn there. I was looking at a tree, watching the leaves fall from it a few weeks ago, and it occured to be that I was doing the same thing. I was dropping my leaves, shedding my skin this fall. This winter I will burrow in at home, then in January I will be born anew. The spring will bring rebirth. Wonderfully enough in the same place where there was a rebirth of culture and art-Florence. It's all so fitting, so beautiful. I'm so nervous about leaving, so excited, and also so sad. I'm sad to leave all of my loved ones behind, my lovely friends and family. It's strange to think that everyone's lives will develope here, without me being able to participate and experience things with everyone, to grow with them. Of course I'll change and grow, but it's like I'm going on a pilgrimage; I'm going so far away and will have such little contact with everyone, and because of all of the things I will be experiencing, it's like I will be in a different world. It's all so hard to grasp still, but every day I can taste it more and more. Right now though, I'm just waiting. Missing my friends already, excited to leave, I'm in a strange place.

This is one for the good days

2008-10-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Radiohead's "Videiotape" over and over again today. I've actually been listening to it on repeat for the past few days, and have been listening to Radiohead exclusively for the past two weeks. Its a strange song, full of emptyness, with a hint of longing. Its the perfect song for an ending, whether you needed or wanted the ending to happen.

The album, I've read, is about relationships. Relationships at first seem like rainbows, beautiful, perfect, enchanting. But as time goes on, you come to see that being in a rainbow is to be in a thin veil of water droplets, just as in relationships you learn there are flaws, problems; that this enchantment is nothing but an illusion of prefection, of beauty. It will disappear in time; the rainbow, the euphoria, the relationship.

So then, the question begs asking, why bother?

When I’m at the pearly gates

This’ll be on my videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath

And he’s reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days

And I have it all here in

Red, blue, green

You are my centre when I spin away

Out of control on videotape

On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye

Because I can’t do it fact to face

So I’m talking to you before

No matter what happens nowI won’t be afraid

Because I know

Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

What we do to the Earth we do to ourselves

2008-09-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

A new wave of conciousness exploded upon me today.

It started last night during my run. It was dark out, and as I ran by a pond I noticed how brilliant the stars were-more so than usual it seemed. And so I sat on a bench near that pond and took it all in. I experienced it. And in those minutes,I happened to notice flickering, twinkling planes which on first glance looked like stars. But no, there were planes littered across the sky-at least 10 of them. People up there, looking like stars. Which made me think of a quote I heard earlier in the day: "We are all stardust." And so I sat there, taking this all in, marveling at it all. And this strange feeling crept up inside of me, and I knew that I ws nearing something.

What I was nearing on is what happened today. As I sat in on an Art History class (that I've already taken I just liked it so much I want to do it again-yes, I'm a nerd), the topic of discussion came to prehistoric art, and how the people of the time were not just close to the Earth, they knew they were a part of it, unlike people today. Then we watched a video by biologist David Suzuki, where he explores that idea, and then goes on to explain that thinking we're separate from the earth is not only silly but suicidal. We're connected to the Earth and to each other, he explained, through air, earth, water, and fire. For example, we breathe in argon atoms, then breathe them out. A scientist traced them from one of his breaths, and a year later 15 of the same atoms he breathed in again. They don't just disappear, so really, we're breathing atoms that dinosaurs, pharohs, our neighbors have breathed as well. Breath, air connects us to the past, to the present, to the future, to each other.

But now, in our own man-made environments, and consumer driven culture, we're unaware of that connection to one another and the Earth. So we're acting in ways that hurt not only ourselves in the long run, but others, and the planet-which is our home-as well. And because we're not connected to the Earth, we have a loss of cummunity(one that perhaps we're filling with consumption, I think), and because we're forgetting where we come from, we have a spiritual hole in us. We face huge dilemmas right now: the environmental crisis, the econmic crisis, overpopulation, etc.

So what do we do? I don't know know, but I think that to start we need to recognize that we're the Earth, that we are each other. As I did yoga after class, I began to feel, not just recognize, in an entirely new way how interconnected everything really is. It wasn't just a moment, it was an experience. We are all one. We must get back to nature, to our spirit. To ourselves.

"What you do to the Earth you do to yourself"

After its all over

2008-09-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders." Taoist saying

Today was a difficult day, for reasons I won't go into here. But suffice it to say, it was draining. At the end of day, as I was coming home with my mom, we saw an amazing sunset. It was searing, bold and vibrant. And later, when I was out running, I could feel it, looking up at the stars, unusually bright, through the whisping clouds. I could feel the kosmos, the interconnection. I'm sorry if I'm getting a little to Bill for anyone here, but I really could feel it. Nothing, for those brief moments, was separate.

I can't often fall asleep

2008-09-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Yoga. I love Yoga. It has literally changed my life-transformed it. I started practicing seriously last summer, and finally decided to take classes this summer. What a great thing that was. It has taken my love, my ability level, my confidence, and passion for it, to a greater depth than I thought possible. But now classes are over and I'm struggling to create my own home practice. This is something I want, something that is very important to me to create, to have, to be a part of. I think once I'm not in limbo anymore, once school has started and I'm not at home all packed up, that it will get easier. I am having a hard time creating routines I guess you could say, and then making them lengthy. I don't want to rely on books and videos. I want to learn how to create a flow, and I guess thats what I will be teaching myself over the next 11 weeks.

Sometimes I get very discouaged. One moment I can go from being so confident in myself, in my art, to the next being completely distraught, as though I'm left on the side of the road with nothing. And that is why I cannot sleep tonight.

Today

2008-09-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I thought I might try a blog out. I mean, I've tried myspace, facebook...I'll probably lose interest in this eventually, like I did with those other two, but maybe I won't. When I'm overseas later this year, though, I thought this would be a good idea.

My yoga classes have ended for the summer, school will be starting in a week....things are a bit crazy right now.

I have finally started to get some juice, find that spark inside of me. It's beautiful, its wonderful; I'm so happy about it. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I've been waiting a long time for this. I want to start dealing with identity, with the transient nature of people. I spoke with someone today who pointed out that we are as much a part of our past as we are of our future. I've always felt this way-that we are constantly changing, evolving, and that we are a part of that past, as well as the future; that the present moment we are always in is both those things at once. How do you show that? How do you portray that? More importantly, how do you deal with that some days. How do you deal with this constant change. I've always found that letting go and letting it happen, just accepting it and embracing it is the best thing to do. Be a part of the flowing stream, as opposed to fighting against the current, fighting against your own nature. Then you are alive, you are experiencing life, which is this moment, to the fullest potential. But that's easier said than done.