pictures of the fall

New silk scarves!

Not all that I do is Painting!

I have been painting, of course, but here is some other things I've been doing. I have completed two 'books'. The first, which is in the 'flag' format (pictured above), is still untitled. The poem inside of it reads:

In our sleep, pain, which cannot forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
Until,in our own despair, against our will
Comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.

-Aeschylus

What you have despised in yourself

They are here with us now,

those who saddle a new unbroken colt

every morning and ride the seven levels of sky,

who lay down at night

with the sun and moon for pillows.

Each of these fish have Jonah inside.

They sweeten the bitter sea.

They shape-shift the mountains,

but with their actions neither bless nor curse.

They are more obvious,

and yet more secret than that.

Mix grains from the ground they walk

with streamwater. Put that salve

on your eyes and you will see

what you have despised in yourself

as a thorn opens into a rose.

-Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

We need to be careful

mamma says

We did the ground too deep

We'll end up in the sky.

Split the Sack

Why does the soul not fly
when it hears the call?

Why does a fish, gasping on land,
but near the water,
not move back into the sea?...

What keeps us from joining the dance
the dust particles do?

Look at their subtle motions
in sunlight.

We are out of our cages
with our wings spread
yet we do not lift off.

We keep collecting rocks and broken bits
of pottery like children
pretending they are merchants.

We should split the sack
of this culture
and stick our heads out.

Look around.
Leave your childhood.

Reach your right hand up
and take this book from the air.
You know right from left don't you?

A voice speaks to your clarity.
Move into the moment of your death.
Consider what you truely want.

Now call out commands yourself.
You are the king. Phrase your question,
and expect the grace of an answer.

Rumi

I have been reading and re-reading this poem. The idea of splitting the sack of our culture and sticking my head out is a visual that I find very appealing. It is also something that I am trying to do regularly; attempting to step away from the image-obsessed, consumerist culture of my town in Ohio, and of America in general, is difficult but I am trying daily. As much as I would like the thought of going to live on a farm in the middle of no where and not using a cell phone, its not a very practical idea. Maybe when I'm a lot, lot older.

The other part of this poem that really gets me is the last two stanzas. When I first read it, and I came across the part asking me to consider what I really want, I was struck by the fact that what I really want deep down is a lot different than what I think I want on a daily basis. When I thought about it in that instant, I realized what I want out of life is great happiness and love, peace and ease. Not the usual, "I want to be a great artist and design for Hermes" that has been running through my mind lately.

Of course, it is the last part of the poem that has been troubling me. I didn't get it, I couldn't feel it. Until just the other night, when I finally realized what the question was. I know what I want, now how do I get there? How to be? What am I supposed to do?

Well, I didn't expect an answer. But, I sat quietly for a few moments and lo and behold, within myself there came an answer. Of course I'm supposed to create, paint, photograph, draw, bake, etc. And perhaps that great love I'm looking for in life is that-the creative process. But I also want to help people, to give to people, and sometimes sitting alone painting isn't the best way to really touch other people (lets face it-the art world is pretty messed up in my opinion, people outside of it don't really know it exists. Its not like Jeff Koons is giving tons of people a moment of peace or a huge beautiful experience with "his" art). Thats where this whole yoga thing comes in I think. Yoga helped me so much and made my life so much better, maybe I could do the same for other people with yoga?

This is why I love Rumi and his poetry, if you really sit with it in a quiet, patient, thoughtful manner, you can really feel the poems turning your insides, bringing things to the surface that you didn't know were even there.

"The whole of existence is a mirror whose essence you are." RUMI

ten things you like

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, my good friend Evan asked me to make a list of ten things I liked.  He told me he did not believe I could, that there were not ten things that I actually liked.  I do not remember whether or not I could make a list at the time.  

Here is a list I made tonight off of the top of my head, of ten things that I like at the moment:

1-night time

2-windows open

3-big, bursting flowers, especially peonies

4-quiet

5-pretty music

6-the bookstore

7-letters/postcards

8-cutting things up and glue-ing them down

9-little paintings

10-when a song catches me

and here is a list of ten things I dislike at the moment:

1-onions

2-the air conditioning being on

3-when my stomach acts strange

4-the self portrait I just did

5-the television, really

6-what the stupid Twilight books have done to me

7-that I'm afraid to run

8-Powell, OH

9-rude parents at the pool

10-when Casper, my dog, licks everything

what about what we eat?

I recently watched a video on food in America.  It was terrifying! Patenting genes, genetically modifying food by injecting cells with E. Coli, destroying farmers lives....and no one seems to care!  I want natural food, I want REAL food. I want something that came out of the Earth, something that is the way god made it.  People in America wonder why there is an obesity problem, well its because of our food.  It's not real.  And it doesn't do pretty things to our bodies!  Our food is controlled by big business.  What we need to live is controlled by major corporations!  Why doesn't anyone seem to be upset about this?  We have very little freedom here when it comes to what we eat (isn't America supposed to be all about freedom?); organic food is both expensive and shipped from all over the world, so that isn't very good either.  There are only 4 types of potatoes for us to grow or choose from here in America.   That is silly, that is wrong!  Species are dying, or already extinct, and on top of that, life is being patented!  There is something fundamentally wrong with patenting life; this has opened a whole door that will only cause us problems in the future, I fear.  I don't understand why the American public isn't more upset about this! Of course, people need to be better informed, thats the first step.  I'm sure the majority of people don't know, and therefore can't care.  People need to know!  Something needs to be done!  Children will, already are suffering, because of this!

I'm thinking about doing research and doing my senior thesis project on this whole topic.  So far I've been painting a lot of food.  Food is a beautiful, wonderful part of every humans life, it is a simple pleasure that we have to indulge in, except here in America we don't know what that means.  Its about eating food that is low in calories, low in fat, will keep up moving and is quick....its not real, its not good, and its no wonder the American public has a poor relationship with food.  They don't even know that they do!  

Sorry about this rant, I'm very upset about this whole food situation.   Finding good, simple food in Italy was never a problem.  It's a huge problem for me now.  

Here is a link to the documentary, watch it:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

white houses

Its been strange to be home, very strange.  I can look back on the little girl in high school, and I feel for her, I long to talk to her, to tell her it will be alright.  Who I am is so much different, so changed, from that girl.  I feel like, for the first time, I am completely separate from all of my life in high school.  All of the problems, the drama, the pains, it all seems far away; it does not touch me, it calls to me no emotion.  But then again, this isn't really 'home' is it?  It is, because it's the house I grew up, its where my parents live.  But it's not where my life is. It's not where I belong, where I fit.  A girl I knew, a girl I know well, lived here.  It's strange, moving forward.  It's strange, letting go.  

We drive,

past the cool houses

white and beige and stucco-covered

lit up, luminious, hovering above us in the dark

They intimidate and mystify like the stars

(or so their owners hope)

and we nestled into them, long ago

someone we once knew

was nestled into them.

 

The songs we used to listen to in the parking lot

the haze of early morning still on us

These songs-they had meaning, they taught us truths

(or so we thought)

and they fit our lives, our moments

a perfect backdrop to everything.

We listen to these songs now,

singing, screaming along to them

they are so far behind us,

like picture books, photo albums,

we can feel moving, somewhere deep inside.

 

As we run, barefoot

Through  a large

24-hour

city-sized

florescent-lit

store

Through the heavy halls

of memories

of papers, planning and scandal

Through the endless playground

of perfectly placed trees

winding roads

matching mailboxes

white houses

We know we are no longer home.

 

Taking a deep breath

we have sung it all out

All of the things we held so tightly

have flown out the window;

lost to the cool darkness

that wraps herself around us.

And so we propel ourselves forward,

Forgiven.

Triumph!

I heard on the radio yesterday that the reign of the name 'Emily' has ended.  For the past 12 years it has been the most popular baby name for girls, but has recently been replaced by Emma and Isabella.  I feel bad for all the little Emma's and Isabella's of the world, I'm sure that their moms will tell them, "I didn't know anyone with your name when I named you that.."

It got me thinking though.  I had a Grandma Betty and a Grandma named Judy.  Both names seem 'old' to me.  I can't imagine meeting a girl my age named Betty.  That would certainly be cool, but is unlikely.  Of course this is just the way things work, there is a cycle, but it's weird to think that, possibly, by the time I'm in my 80s, the name Emily will seem like an old name.  Names like Edith and Iris were, at one point, fashionable names, but now seem like old-lady names to us youth.  How funny!  Emily will probably be regarded as an old lady name!  This is wonderful.  

So there's a fun little tid bit for you.

 

Take a Deep Breath

Last summer I visited London.  It was my first time out of the United States (I'm not counting the Canadian side of Niagara Falls).  It's funny, before going I wasn't so much excited about going to London.  Of course I knew I would be seeing great art, and of course I was excited about that, but it wasn't London that was the big draw for me, it was the idea of traveling, of being someplace completely new, getting away.  I ended up falling completely in love with London, and now desperately want to go back, because it's London.  

It's strange to think about how much my world has changed in the past year.  I've been to 4 different countries, and experienced things that I can't experience in America.  The world is smaller to me, in the sense that I can see things in other parts of the world.  Of course there is still a vastness to it, but I can visual things now, they are no longer image-less ideas and notions in my mind.  Of course there are places that I haven't been that I cannot fathom, but I can at least fathom perhaps being there someday.  But I have memories of places now, places beyond my home.  

The more that I see, the more that I've experienced, the more widened things in my mind become.  The past year has made me realize how little I actually know, if I even "know" anything at all.  "Everything we think we know is absolutely unknowable (and/or just plain incorrect)."  said Martha Rosler.  How true that is.  When I was in high school I knew so much about life; who I was, what I wanted, what I could/couldn't do, how things worked in the world.  Today, I don't know what I want, or how the world works.  I don't know what I can and cannot do, and I don't know who I am (though I am quite comfortable these days with simply "being").   In some ways its so exciting, so liberating.  In other ways, its terrifying.  As I head into the summer before my senior year of college, and beginning to seriously think about the future, it is overwhelming and scary.  I don't know what I want, and I don't know what's going to happen to me, or what is a good step to make.  But it's also exciting.  I have all of these ideas, dreams and desires.  I want to travel, I want to paint, I want to do yoga, I want to play with little kids...and I have the rest of my life to do all these things.  Sometimes I just have to take a breath and remind myself of that fact.  

this American Dream

I'm terrified of this American dream.  I'm so blessed to be living it, but I don't think it's right for me.  I know I'm always critical on this blog, I'm sorry.  In a critique quite recently someone commented on the fact that the majority of my work is sad.  I was surprised by this; I'm the happiest I've ever been.  Perhaps I use painting to work the sadness out.  But the thing is, I've just gotten back to the USA after making a life for myself in Italy.  I'm not saying Italy is in any way better than the US.  Both have their weaknesses, both have their strengths.  But I am having serious culture shock, much worse than I had when I got to Italy.  There are things here that don't make sense.  

Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn my ear, everything is about diets, bodies, weight.  You can't look at a magazine without there being something about new diet fads, and the commercials on the television are ridiculous...I was flipping through the channels and there was even a show titled "the best and worst beach bods".  Seriously America?  I don't like watching TV, but I know the majority of people do.  I don't know how there are any girls left in this country who don't have an eating disorder.  How can children develop a healthy relationship to food when they see foods that advertise less fat, when their parents are obsessed with their own weight, and are bombarded with information about dieting?  People can't enjoy food, and oh my goodness food is one of the greatest pleasures there is to enjoy.

But I guess food is far too simple of an item to be a luxury, to be something that is treated with respect, love and admiration.  I don't think that the American way of life really lends itself to being able to stop and smell the roses, to being able to appreciate the little things.  Can people see the simple beauties of their life? One of the most beautiful things in the world to me is when I wake up every morning, and see the morning light peaking in through my curtains.  Or simply enjoying a piece of fruit.  Do other people stop to see the beautiful moments, the simple moments?  Or are their minds so busy with tasks and lists and desires that they are unable to see what is around them?  I didn't have a hard time slowing my life down and simplifying in Italy.  I'm having a hard time doing that here.  

I think we are all made to live a certain way.  While in Italy I began to become aware of what that way is for me.  I wanted to come home and continue to live this way, live my own "American dream".  The American dream, well for me, it's something much different than what it seems to be today.  For me the American dream is being able to go out and live the way I'm supposed to live, not in exactly the same way as anyone else.  Thats the American dream now though-to live in the suburbs with a white picket fence and an suv or two.  But that doesn't make sense to me (don't get me started on suv;s or how silly the suburbs look to me right now), how can that be the American dream?  America was supposed to be the land of opportunities, not the land of consumption, or conformity.  "Life is plurality, death is uniformity".  I think people have lost sight of themselves, are unable to live the way they are supposed to live; the culture of America, the culture of lifestyle branding, consumption and dieting has gotten in the way, confused people, blinded and distracted people. 

When I was leaving Italy I became aware of how hard it was going to be for me to live my own life, live the way that feels right and necessary to me, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  

There is a hidden beauty finding it's way out of everything

Oh hello.  It has been far too long, and I am quite sorry.  I have been blogging on dream-in-italian.blogspot.com so check it out.  So are my friends, Katy and Joey.

I'm in Florence.  It's a strange city.  She is beautiful, she is ugly, she is dirty, trashy, small and surprising.  The men here make rude and inappropriate comments to me.  There is trash everywhere.  There are beggars on the street.  There are few Italians living in the center.  But there are moments, when the sun comes out, where I experience profound beauty.  The sun on the Duomo, or simply dotting the top of a building, illuminating the laundry hanging out to dry...it is so simple, so clean, so perfect. 

Since coming here I have been focusing on going slowly.  Taking my time, seeing the things going on around me and being present in every moment.  This is something I have a very hard time with, I know (my mom didn't call me a hurricane for nothing), but coming here has helped me to see the beauty of everyday life.  The power in the simple.  The profound in the daily acts, in the little moments, this is what I have been missing.  

This simplicity is beautiful.  I get so worried about things, about 'what is the point of painting', 'what will my life mean', 'how can I give my life meaning', but I am starting to realize that a simple life, a good life where I am happy and around the people I love, is all that I want.  Is something that has profound meaning, has profound beauty.  And when it comes down to it, I want to live in such a way that it has meant something just to have lived.