thoughts on a windy day

I have a problem and I’ll admit it: I don’t like staying in the same place for too long. I don’t like settling down. I can settle in to a place easily, get comfortable for a short time. I always have something in my bag, a good book and a sketchbook and some chap stick, that can make a place feel like home. I’m obsessed with bags, I’ve never been a huge shoe girl (though I’m certainly warming up to them), it has always been about the bags…maybe my bags are my real homes. All I know is that I like to move about. Not too fast, not too slow. Just you know, keep moving.

Perhaps I’m this way because growing up, I was always going all over the place. Weekends at Dad’s house, summers in California. Then in college I never stayed in the same place for more than a few months at a time, really. It was school to home to school to Florence to home to school. Then after school it was back in with the parents, then out to Oregon, then back in with the parents, then to London, then to Florence, then to London again, then back to the states.

So, I move around a lot. I like it, its simple. You don’t have too much stuff to deal with, it’s excusable to go a few days without checking your email, and people don’t get pissy with you if you don’t answer your phone. I like being in a place long enough to be comfortable, to be challenged and pushed to grow, and then I like moving on to the next place. Settling in really sort of scares me, to tell the truth.

But I’m going to have to start liking it, because I’ll be settling in to Bowling Green this fall. BGSU offered me an assistantship for my graduate studies, and I’m not about to turn down a chance for free school. I’m excited about facing the challenge of school (god I’m a nerd), and to be around a group of artists again. Having a good studio space is going to be wonderful, too. There’s something exciting about the thought of my own space that I’ll inhabit for a while, but it’s also daunting. I get so very restless. As excited as I am, I’m also nervous. I’m nervous about being in the same place for two years straight, what if I start going bonkers out in the middle of nowhere? I’m nervous I’ll miss Florence, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m always missing Florence (And, I’m actually going to go to Florence next summer for a month, because two whole years in one place would make me crazy!). I’m nervous about a million silly little things, and none of them I have control over. It seems that the older I get the more I find that to get what I really want out of life, to live as I wish to live and be my most authentic, true self, I must accept uncertainty as a certainty.

Growing up is so strange. I’ve realized a lot of things about myself recently. I’m not an adventurer. I’m not a person who likes wild thrills, recklessness, and seeing things just to see them. I like drifting, floating from place to place, moving about slowly and taking everything in that I can. Mostly I just want to learn as much as possible, feel and experience life in all of her uncertainty, terror, and beauty. Joseph Campbell said that we must “follow our bliss”, not money and security. John Keats and Nietzsche both talked about the importance of experience and difficulties to cultivate a life and a soul. Ultimately that’s what I’m trying to do with my life: cultivate it, cultivate myself, and cultivate my soul. It hasn’t been easy at times, and I don’t expect it to get any easier (the economy is awful and I’m a female artist…lets be honest here). But I’ve come to accept that life is going to be filled with difficulties. All I can do is embrace them, see them as a chance for growth and self-discovery. Certainly, it is easy to say this now. There are times when dealing with burdens will be overwhelming, I’m sure. But I’m determined to follow in my pursuit of beauty, to “follow my bliss”. It’s not just about creating art, creating beautiful objects. It’s about creating a beautiful, open life. Ultimately, my life is my art.

Wait, didn’t Gandhi say something about that?